Tough week

Dragon Mood? -- heavy sigh

This morning, upon hearing Robin Roberts of Good Morning America say this has been a tough week, I thought, "Yeah, it has been a very tough week." The horrible killings at Virginia Tech have been uppermost in peoples' minds. And ... if you weren't thinking about it, the media would be sure to remind you with graphic images, endless repetition and obsessive analysis. (To which I respond: pick up the remote and *click* off.)

There was another tragic, senseless death in our midst. Here in Motown, in the community "village" we live in, a little girl, five years old, died Monday afternoon while playing outside at the grade school within walking distance of our home. She was playing in an inner courtyard of the school when a flagpole snapped under heavy winds, fell and killed her. S and I listened to the school principal, trembling with emotion, on the local evening news describe staying with the little girl in her last moments of life, awaiting the ambulance. Ironically, just an hour earlier, I told my sister on the phone that I had skipped my usual walk with the dog that afternoon because the winds seemed downright "scary." Sadly, that was more true than I realized at the time.

On a far less momentous note, I returned to a prospective employer's site earlier this week to take a "tube test." Basically, I was asked to perform tasks on the computer with a 3D CAD modeling software and prove that I can do what I say I can do. The hiring manager gave me two tasks for that one hour. The first one I created as requested; the other, I couldn't complete in the time given. I got "stuck" and failed to think "nimbly" and consider a work-around in the given time. As the minutes ticked away, I got more and more frustrated with myself and the task at hand. Unfortunately, I kind of "froze up."

As the manager walked me out to the reception desk, he acknowledged that none of the other candidates had been able to complete both tasks in the time given. In retrospect, I know he was trying to make me feel better. But, I am unaccustomed to failure and don't let myself off the hook very easily. I've continued to replay that hour and the conversation afterward over and over in my mind. I won't allow myself to internally call myself names (like "stupid" or anything similar), but I can definitely feel the hardness and rigidity of my upbringing, especially in the face of anything less than perfection. ArrrghhH! It's tough to run into one's vulnerabilities, especially when looking for a job.

I am still feeling very badly about my performance on that tube test and suspect I undermined my chances for the job. I have been preparing myself mentally all week for the phone call telling me that I didn't get the job. Others might label that as "negative" thinking, but I feel like I'm protecting myself. More disappointing news about employment and jobs is not something I need right now.

After the requisite dose of daily self-pity, I knock myself upside of the head and remind myself to look around. Look around at what's happened to others this week. Parents of a little girl. Families and friends of 32 innocent people. They have something to feel badly about. Their lives are forever changed. I just experienced a temporary setback this week. It's a mere bump in this road we call life.