Sunday, July 31, 2005

Standing on the sidelines

Dragon Mood? -- sad

Yesterday, I told S that I felt sad and depressed. We talked about it, trying to pinpoint why I'm feeling that way.

She said it's because two of her kids are getting married and so much of our attention has been focused on that. You know, coming down after the big shower/barbecue last weekend. I disagreed.

I tried to find the words to describe my feelings. The picture that kept forming in my head was of me standing on the sidelines on the stage that is my life. Not the main actor on the stage, but sidelined, waiting in the wings.

I referenced the very clear sensation that I had while in Wisconsin of my kids being grown, fully capable and not needing me. I AM NOT NEEDED by them and that feels so bittersweet to me. That means I succeeded as a mom and yet I'm not needed as a mom, not really, not anymore.

I referenced my job, where over the past three months, I have been working diligently to meet a deadline. That deadline (just one of several yet to come) was this past Wednesday. When I talked with my 'leader' about additional things I could begin working on, I was rebuffed and told to spend some time reviewing the software. A time-killer, a go-away-and-don't-bother-me response. One of my peers told me he's gathering some "typing" for me to do. Yeah, that definitely contributes to that sideline feeling.

Add to that this whole parking debacle at work. I'm told-- you don't drive one of OUR cars, we're so busy trying to reassure ourselves that OUR cars are the best, that we want you to remind you daily that you're driving one of the OTHER cars. This is PRIDE for us, not punishment for you. So park in the back forty, IF you can find a spot, and meanwhile, we'll put construction trailers, piles of dirt, broken concrete and all other manner of impedimenta in your way just to remind you that you don't drive one of OUR cars, you second-class contract worker, you. But, hey, don't take this new parking policy personally, okay? Sidelined.

And then there's S. She is completely OCCUPIED with her job, and its unending demands. She is very OCCUPIED with this, that and the other thing of these two impending weddings. ("I need to call Matt." "I'm waiting to hear back from Mark." "I need to get this to Sarah.") In her spare time (read that with high sarcasm), she is obsessing about her growing fibroids, worrying, now that she has acknowledged them, that they are growing at a double-time rate. Not that I don't worry too. They are large, protuberant and causing more and more side effects. My nightmare is that she could develop a bowel obstruction before this surgery can happen. Then, it's crisis time and emergency surgery. I don't like the sound of that at all.

But, I digress. I WAS talking about me, and I sidelined myself. See what I mean?

S has a full plate and then some, which leaves very little room for me, as her partner. I told her yesterday that I don't get much in the way of nurture from her and I could use some nurturing right now. For whatever reason, I am feeling vulnerable these days. Tenderness, Love, Care -- TLC, they all sound pretty good to me right now. I don't expect and won't get it from S. But I sure could use some.

And ... if this sounds like I'm throwing myself a full-blown pity party, well then, it is what it is. In the words of an oldie: "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to . . ."

Thursday, July 28, 2005

on Solitude

Dragon Mood? -- quietly alone

  • "Solitude is sweet." -- William Cowper
  • "Solitude is a kind of freedom." -- Umberto Eco
  • "I'm single because I was born that way." -- Mae West
  • "Solitude is for me a fount of healing which makes life worth living."-- C.G. Jung
  • "Shine alone, shine nakedly, shine like bronze..." -- Wallace Stevens
  • "I was alone with all that could happen." -- William Gass

cheap wine by the NY Times

Dragon Mood? -- ho-hummmm...

I have finally gotten to a point where I can stop, take a breath and look around. I thought I would take a look at the NY Times and see what's happening in the world.

I found the following article, enjoyed reading it and thought I'd reproduce it here:


# # # # #

Who Knew a $10 Bill Had Such a Nice Bouquet?


By ERIC ASIMOV
Published: July 27, 2005


DECADES ago, when people in wine-producing countries routinely drank a few glasses with every meal, vast amounts of wine were made quickly and cheaply. It was sold for pennies - make that francs, lire and pesetas - to be consumed right away. Most of it was utter swill: thin and sour, or thick, raisiny and volatile.


The wine industry has changed drastically since then, and people tend to romanticize those days, as if the demijohns and jugs filled at the local merchant somehow contained the sort of honest artisanal products that are no longer available. Nonsense.

The fact is that today cheap wine across the board is far superior to what it was 50 years ago. It is not hard to find dry, refreshing, satisfying wines for $10 and under, as the Dining section's wine panel learned in a tasting of 24 bottles.

Why has the quality of cheap wine improved? Simply put, the standard of winemaking is far superior. The significance of something as simple as rigorous cleanliness throughout production is now understood and accepted. Technology of all sorts allows winemakers to assure drinkability, at the very least. They can control temperatures during production, adjust levels of alcohol and acidity, even dictate flavors and aromas by using particular types of cultured yeasts.

Those improvements make better wines, though not necessarily good ones: they simply help winemakers prevent flaws and spoilage. But the tasting panel was not willing to settle for innocuous wines. We wanted wines with personalities. We wanted to find pleasure in a glass rather than an absence of pain. And we did.

"I'm surprised, particularly at how well the whites showed: crisp and summery," said Fred Dexheimer, the wine director at the BLT group of restaurants in Manhattan, who joined in the tasting with a second guest, Paul Grieco, an owner and the general manager of Hearth in the East Village, along with my colleague Florence Fabricant and me.

We tasted 12 whites and 12 reds, and picked our top 5 of each. Of the whites, three of the five were made from the sauvignon blanc grape. A fourth tasted as if it were, but it was made from the colombard grape. The fifth was a pinot grigio.

What do they all have in common?

None tasted expensive. Each was fairly simple, and yet the flavors of the grapes were allowed to shine through. One of the great winemaking clichés nowadays is, "Great wines are made in the vineyard," meaning that you cannot make great wine without first growing great grapes. Yet many who pay lip service to the vineyard use cellar techniques like aging wines in new oak barrels, which masks the grapes' flavors rather than enhancing them.

Of course, new oak barrels are very expensive. Wines made to sell for $10 or less are never aged in new oak barrels. Instead winemakers, to get an oaky quality, can dip tea bags of oak chips into the wine, infusing it with aroma and flavor that, to me, always seems artificial rather than honest. Or the wines can be manipulated in less obvious ways. The wines we liked did not taste as if they were posing as expensive bottles.

During the blind tasting, we speculated freely about where the wines we liked were made. Most of us assumed they were European, particularly from areas that have not achieved high status in people's minds and whose wines have not achieved brand-name recognition. "They harvest the grapes, put them in stainless steel or cement tanks, and that's it," Mr. Dexheimer said.

Mr. Grieco agreed, saying that wines from the New World, primarily from California and Australia, are often tailored to appeal to specific markets. "I will surmise that the New World wines are the most correct wines: balanced, acidity adjusted, with something from a tree," he said. "Old World wines rock and roll in this category. They don't try to be anything more than they are."

As it turned out, though, our top white was from South Africa, and two others from the top five were from South America. Only our No. 3 wine, the Domaine Duffour, fit the expected profile of coming from a little-known Old World region. It was made in Gascony, better known as Armagnac country, from the colombard grape. In California the grape is still widely planted and used in cheap white wines, rarely achieving the direct liveliness of this French version.


Our No. 5 white was an Italian pinot grigio from Bolla, hardly a little producer. Yet it had more flavor than many bland versions that cost twice as much. Mr. Grieco called it "unbelievable bang for the buck."

To me, though, the sauvignons blancs were the most interesting of the whites. Each seemed to have character and personality that other wines in the tasting lacked. We tasted four chardonnays, for example, including one each from California, Washington, Long Island and the Languedoc. They were not bad; just inoffensive, without zest. It may be that because of its piercing flavors, sauvignon blanc is more adaptable to an inexpensive approach than chardonnay, a grape that can reach greater heights when treated to costlier winemaking.

The reds conformed much more to our expectations. Our two top wines were both from the southern Rhône Valley, long a source for good cheap bottles. The No. 1 red, a 2001 Côtes-du-Rhône from J. Vidal-Fleury, was a superb value at $8: fruity, earthy and balanced without the candied or too-sweet qualities that may make for great popularity in the marketplace but will not impress discerning wine lovers. Our No. 2 wine, the Domaine Lafond from Lirac, was, like the Vidal-Fleury, a blend of several Rhône grapes, in this case grenache, syrah and mourvèdre.

Two American wines made our list of reds. One was the '03 Big House Red from Bonny Doon, a perennial leader in inexpensive wines. Bonny Doon is not above winery manipulations, but somehow its leader, Randall Grahm, manages to produce honest wines. Our No. 5 wine, a Bogle zinfandel, struck me as a little too sweet; yet zinfandel deserves to be on our list, as it was for years a foundation of inexpensive California wine before it began to get fancy.

While we were pleased to discover all of these easygoing pleasures, $10 wines have clear limitations. Like inexpensive cars that with few thrills or creature comforts, these wines are fine for accompanying basic meals. They are not complex, and they don't have the cerebral or soulful appeal of much better and invariably more expensive wines.

Just as the cheap wines of old are occasionally romanticized, some people contend that what sets a $100 bottle apart from a $10 bottle is little more than pretension, reputation, hype and the compulsion of gullible people to pay the higher price.

For the most part, that's ridiculous. Better wine often costs more because it is more expensive to produce. Is it possible that you will like a $10 bottle better than a $100 bottle? Of course, and not just once in a while. After all, some expensive wines are as abysmal as others are wonderful. Are some $100 bottles of wine big, pumped-up frauds that depend on the willingness of fools to part with their money? Absolutely, and they are easy to find. But the argument that the price bears no relation to quality is often founded on a specious salt-of-the-earth desire that all wines should be created equal.

To me, the dismissal of all expensive wines reminds me of Wilde's definition of a cynic: "A man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing."


Tasting Report: Why Plunk Down Good Money for Plonk?

WHITES

Steenberg South Africa Sauvignon Blanc 2004
$8
**½
Crisp, fresh, zesty and balanced, with unexpected depth. (Importer: Monsieur Touton Selections, New York)

Veramonte Casablanca Valley, Chile Sauvignon Blanc 2004
$7
**
Bone-dry and refreshing, with tart herb and mineral flavors. (Franciscan Estate Selections, Rutherford, Calif.)

Domaine Duffour Vin de Pays des Côtes de Gascogne 2003
$7.40
**
Bright, intense fruit flavors, like sauvignon blanc except it's colombard. (Michael Skurnik Wines, Syosset, N.Y.)

Bodegas Salentein Mendoza, Argentina Sauvignon Blanc Finca el Portillo 2004
$9
**
Mild and refreshing, with citrus flavors. (San Francisco Wine Exchange)

Bolla Venezie I.G.T Pinot Grigio 2002
$10
**
Persistent melon, tropical fruit and honey flavors. (Brown-Forman Beverages Worldwide, Louisville, Ky.)

REDS

J. Vidal-Fleury Côtes-du-Rhône 2001
$8
***
Earthy and balanced, with lingering fruit flavors and a great sense of place. (W. J. Deutsch & Sons, White Plains, N.Y.)

Domaine Lafond Lirac Roc-Épine 2002
$8
**
Balanced fruit and tannins, with a pleasing bitter flavor. (Wines of France, Mountainside, N.J.)

Bonny Doon California Ca'del Solo Big House Red 2003
$10
**
Not complex, but full of spicy fruit flavors.

Sumarroca Penedès Tempranillo Barrel-Aged 2002
$10

Herbal flavors, decent tannins. (Frontier Wine Imports, Dover, N.J.)

Bogle California Old Vine Zinfandel 2003
$9

Juicy and fruity, but a little too sweet.


# # # # #

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Whew! made it through the weekend

Dragon Mood? -- still snorting with relief!

I am back at work and it actually feels like a relief to just SIT here at a desk and work on the computer. Getting a house and yard ready for a party is HARD WORK!

S and I held a combined barbecue/wedding shower this past Saturday for her sons and their fiancees, Mark and Lindsey and Matt and Sarah. At first, we planned for 50, bought food for 40, expected 25 to 30 and actually counted 31. Almost ten people couldn't or didn't come that we thought would be there, and about six people showed up that we didn't expect at all. But that's okay. It all worked out, there was food a-plenty for everyone and from everything we've heard, everybody had a good time.

I was primarily responsible for getting the interior of the house ship-shape, picked up, dusted and vacuumed and most of the food prepared. S was responsible for the outside of the house, including beating back the cobwebs, washing windows, cleaning the decks, mowing the grass (which she got a big helping hand from our sweet neighbor, Mr. Browder) and grilling the chicken and brats. Whew! It was a lot!

We were like a couple of Energizer bunnies when the batteries are half gone. We'd work furiously for a little while, and then one or the other of us would plop down and exclaim, "Geez, am I pooped! I must be getting old!" We laughed at one another and all the variations of the aforesaid complaints about our lack of stamina. High temperatures and high humidity sure didn't help our cause, especially S as she was outdoors. Thank goodness I was mostly able to work inside in heavenly cool air conditioning!

Three of the four soon-to-be wedded were effusive in their thanks and appreciation for our efforts. (I will leave it to those who may read this to guess who didn't say anything??) But it doesn't matter because S and I felt really good and satisfied that the party was a success.

So when's the next kid getting married?? Huh??

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

New additions


Secretary & Computer Armoire

Curio Cabinet

These two pieces of furniture are being delivered today ... in time to reorganize the seashell collection AND the computer desk before the party! AAAaaarrrgghhhH!

Monday, July 18, 2005

back in the salt mines

Dragon Mood? -- can a water dragon be a Ravenclaw????

Yes, it's sad, but true. I'm back at work. (sniffling, ragged sob)

But, all is not gloom and doom. I did buy a copy of Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince on Saturday.

To that end, I took a test ..............


Want to Get Sorted?
I'm a Ravenclaw!


Honestly, I don't know what that means. I guess I'm happy not to be a sly, slimy Slytherin but I also don't get to be the hero/heroine sort of Gryffindor. Damn!

And .... I did manage to read ONE chapter of the book last night -- a treat for myself after all my hard work these past four or five days. I can't wait to read more!

Sunday, July 17, 2005

at the tail end of the shutdown

Dragon Mood? -- confused and disoriented

I haven't posted in so long, it feels almost foreign to do so. Sheesh!

Today is the last day of my two-week shutdown period with work. (Sad face, grimaces, groans.) It has been such an odd time for me, fractured and broken up, that it may almost be a relief to go back to work.

S had to work through this shutdown time. She hated it! She's up against a big, brick wall of a deadline so she had no choice in the matter. Therefore, we had no vacation together which makes us both sad ... and mad ... and frustrated.

Since I posted last, I traveled to Madison via car, plane and bus to see mijita, Carolina, and mijito, Yoshkie. We spent a quick weekend together, drinking lots of beer, watching numerous videos numerous times and trying to stay cool. The temps were in the high 80s with loads of humidity to boot. We used Caroline's A/C liberally and necessarily.

I returned back to the Motor City late Monday night. S and I had a sweet lunch near the tower and then I headed home to the pine trees. I have been cleaning off and on (mostly on) since then, trying to get ready for the big barbecue/picnic/wedding shower that will be held next weekend. We're anticipating 40 to 50 people attending, including four to six house guests and a marathon euchre tournament late into the night after the party. It should be a wingding of a bash!

I keep talking to myself, trying to allay my occasional anxiety attacks about this party. It will be okay, everything will be fine and just try to relax and enjoy the process. (So much easier said than done, huh?)

Wednesday evening, J & J invited me over for dinner and a ride around the lake on their pontoon. Kevin was there and we had a lovely time. Unfortunately, S was still at work, trying to wrap things up. We both went back over there Friday evening, as well, had a few drinks, shared some pizza and sat out on their deck overlooking the lake. The sky was rather overcast but we hashed over the world's problems and Kevin, Jeanne and S did some birdwatching and bird-sleuthing. Joanne and I played with their dog, Buster.

Thursday was a mambo-jumbo doctor-visiting day which I'll post about in a separate post.

Last night, Saturday night, we got to babysit our new grandbaby, Preston, which was delightful and surprisingly easy. We played with him and talked to him for about an hour ... and then he conked out. I mean, CONKED OUT! S and I could only surmise that the pleasant coolness of the house after all the heat and humidity just knocked him out. He lay on the futon next to S, totally relaxed with his arms splayed up around his head. He has a beautiful face and looks so much like pictures of his dad and uncle at that age. We watched "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" on TNT and then channel-surfed until 1 a.m. Then we woke him up, loaded him in his carseat, put him in the backseat of my new (used) Protege and returned him home to his partying parents. Mark had already drunk too many shots of tequila and had thrown up. He looked quite rough. We wished him a "Happy Birthday" and headed home.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Fourth of July weekend

Dragon Mood? -- happy to be home

It's the day after the Fourth. Whew! What a fast-track weekend this was!

After working four ten-hour days, I left our pied-a-terre late Thursday evening to head back home to the pine trees. Friday morning was filled with cleaning out the Volvo, vacuuming, vacuuming, vacuuming mounds of dog hair from the back area of the wagon and using the Rainbow's crevice tool to get out seven years worth of crumbs, old movie ticket stubs and other detritus of the gypsy life from my old car. I must say it looked pretty good by the time I was done.

I picked up Ruth at a local shopping center after she had lunch with her sister-in-law, Carrie. Bless Ruth's heart, she was content with "running" with me Friday afternoon, to the Secretary of State's office for an instant title on the Volvo (where did I put that original title???), picking up the loan check from the credit union and listening to me worry and fret about getting the Volvo to the dealership in good running order.

We hit Meijers, stocked up on bloody Mary ingredients, as well as some sushi and headed home for happy hour! Yeah! Ruth made us some damn good drinks and we sat out on the deck, listening to the fountain and letting our hair down. Ruth laughed and said she was in nirvana. This was what she had been waiting for all week! S arrived a little later and she joined us for another round of happy hour drinks. Ruth and I talked and talked, like sisters do, until at midnight, we hit our beds.

Saturday morning, I took a couple of pictures of the old Volvo, we jumped in and headed for southern Michigan, near the Indiana border. Suffice it to say that the trip was uneventful (thank you, God!), we got there in good time and good shape, the new car was pretty much what I was expecting, we exchanged cars, money and handshakes and Ruth and I headed back. It was a gorgeous morning, cloudless and sunny, and I kept telling Ruth over and over how much I appreciated her going with me for this anxiety-filled transaction. I'm usually a much less-stressed person. For some reason unknown to me, I was really worried about the old car. I guess in mind, it had definitely crossed over some invisible line to an unreliable and overly costly state. What a relief to leave it there at the dealership.




We got back into town and immediately headed for a local department store that was having a sale on Fiesta dishware. Ruth bought twelve (12!) small dessert/cereal bowls in SIX happy colors. She also bought S and me four bowls, two in tangerine and two in shamrock green. (Hey, that rhymes!)

I dropped Ruth off at her in-laws house, where Paul was waiting for her and we said our good-byes. It was a great 24-hour visit! I hope Ruth felt, as much as I did, that each of our "wells" had been filled with sisterly love and concern.

Upon arriving at home, all my earlier anxiety caught up with me and I was ready to crash. I felt so-oo-ooo tired! To S's credit, she was understanding and patient. We took a nap for about an hour and then headed out to her sister's house, almost an hour southwest of us.

Becky lives in a quaint little town and has a lovely home that backs up to a river. It's really an idyllic setting. There were lots of folks already there. Grandma and Sally and Jim and Michelle had traveled downstate from Grayling and were camping in Becky's backyard. Andrew and Rachel and their two small children, Noah and Emily, came from St. Johns. Becky's older daughter, Tiara, and her fiance, A.J., had just arrived from Indianapolis. They were setting up a tent to spend the night, too.

We sat on camp chairs in Becky's lush backyard, drank beer, caught up with each other's histories, told stories and did a lot of laughing. About nine o'clock, we walked into town, to a local pub where Becky's middle son, Justin, is working. We drank more beer, ordered food, shot some pool and just had a high old time. S and Joe shared breaded gizzards and dared others to try them. I tried one and that was enough. (A bit chewy for my tastes.)

Little Lydia and Corey, in the nine-to-eleven year range, were happy enough after S emptied her pocket change purse out on the table and helped themselves to quarters to play foosball and buy animal stickers out of a vending machine. Even Grandma, at 89, seemed to be enjoying herself amidst all the activity. S and I left about 12:30 and headed home to the pine trees.

Sunday was a far more relaxed day. I slept in until 10:30 or 11:00, walked right by the computer here and headed out to the deck. It was gorgeously sunny, hot and heading for another humid day. We cleaned out the fountain which had gotten amazingly greener with algae and played in the water, keeping cool. I decided that we both needed new paint jobs on our toenails, so I got "Juicy Tomato" while S stuck with her traditional dark purple-y "Currant." The sun was hot and my white, white skin started turning pink rapidly. I got an okay amount of sun on my arms and legs, but the back of my neck and upper back got red. I later complained to S that that was her job to watch my back -- literally!

We wrote out a birthday card for little Lydia who, as a firecracker baby, was about to turn ELEVEN! (Caroline, do you remember going to the hospital with me on the day that she was born?) S ordered five grinders that we picked up enroute and headed back to Becky's.

This time there was another crowd, a whole different crowd of family visitors. Jim and Michelle had headed back up north, while Tiara and A.J. headed back south. Grandma and Sally were still there. Matthew and Sarah arrived right after us, with Tim and their pitbull puppy, Tonka, in tow. Then Mark and Lindsey pulled in with baby Preston. Everybody circled around the baby, oohing and aahing. Grandma held Preston while we took turns taking pictures of them.

Becky's neighbor has a great horseshoe pit so the guys started pitching horseshoes. The rest of us took turns holding Preston and talking about the upcoming wedding plans. S took Mark and Lindsey for a walk down to the nearby local park. She talked turkey with them about their upcoming wedding plans, finances and what they needed.

Later in the evening, Matt's friend, Joe showed up and a bunch of 'em started fishing from the river. Lydia and Corey were as excited as ten year olds can be! They pulled in little catfish and bullheads, one right after the other. Meanwhile, S and Tim had built a roaring campfire in the firepit and we sat around watching the fire. Iin Sally's camper, Mark and Lindsey took turns lulling Preston to sleep. It was a beautiful night, dark and moonless, with the sky full of stars. We could hear people setting off the occasional firecracker or Roman candle. The air felt full of family conviviality, contentment and an all-around sense of well-being. Those are the moments we live for.