Standing on the sidelines

Dragon Mood? -- sad

Yesterday, I told S that I felt sad and depressed. We talked about it, trying to pinpoint why I'm feeling that way.

She said it's because two of her kids are getting married and so much of our attention has been focused on that. You know, coming down after the big shower/barbecue last weekend. I disagreed.

I tried to find the words to describe my feelings. The picture that kept forming in my head was of me standing on the sidelines on the stage that is my life. Not the main actor on the stage, but sidelined, waiting in the wings.

I referenced the very clear sensation that I had while in Wisconsin of my kids being grown, fully capable and not needing me. I AM NOT NEEDED by them and that feels so bittersweet to me. That means I succeeded as a mom and yet I'm not needed as a mom, not really, not anymore.

I referenced my job, where over the past three months, I have been working diligently to meet a deadline. That deadline (just one of several yet to come) was this past Wednesday. When I talked with my 'leader' about additional things I could begin working on, I was rebuffed and told to spend some time reviewing the software. A time-killer, a go-away-and-don't-bother-me response. One of my peers told me he's gathering some "typing" for me to do. Yeah, that definitely contributes to that sideline feeling.

Add to that this whole parking debacle at work. I'm told-- you don't drive one of OUR cars, we're so busy trying to reassure ourselves that OUR cars are the best, that we want you to remind you daily that you're driving one of the OTHER cars. This is PRIDE for us, not punishment for you. So park in the back forty, IF you can find a spot, and meanwhile, we'll put construction trailers, piles of dirt, broken concrete and all other manner of impedimenta in your way just to remind you that you don't drive one of OUR cars, you second-class contract worker, you. But, hey, don't take this new parking policy personally, okay? Sidelined.

And then there's S. She is completely OCCUPIED with her job, and its unending demands. She is very OCCUPIED with this, that and the other thing of these two impending weddings. ("I need to call Matt." "I'm waiting to hear back from Mark." "I need to get this to Sarah.") In her spare time (read that with high sarcasm), she is obsessing about her growing fibroids, worrying, now that she has acknowledged them, that they are growing at a double-time rate. Not that I don't worry too. They are large, protuberant and causing more and more side effects. My nightmare is that she could develop a bowel obstruction before this surgery can happen. Then, it's crisis time and emergency surgery. I don't like the sound of that at all.

But, I digress. I WAS talking about me, and I sidelined myself. See what I mean?

S has a full plate and then some, which leaves very little room for me, as her partner. I told her yesterday that I don't get much in the way of nurture from her and I could use some nurturing right now. For whatever reason, I am feeling vulnerable these days. Tenderness, Love, Care -- TLC, they all sound pretty good to me right now. I don't expect and won't get it from S. But I sure could use some.

And ... if this sounds like I'm throwing myself a full-blown pity party, well then, it is what it is. In the words of an oldie: "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to . . ."