Tomorrow is my birthday

Dragon Mood? -- befuddled and unprepared

Tomorrow I turn 54.

Wow, there it is. Fifty-four, carved in stone, up on a pedestal, its profile outlined by spotlights, big and monolithic and rather detached.

Maybe that better describes my feelings than any fantasy statue. Usually I'm more excited about my birthday, feeling a keener sense of anticipation, you know? For whatever reason, this year I'm not.

Fifty-three, almost done now, has been a tough year for me. Losing my job last January and all the ensuing uncertainty has been tough. My self-confidence feels smaller and diminished from a year ago. My sense of optimism and general well-being is feeling rather worn, rather weary. (I'm chuckling to myself. Thinking of my formerly optimistic outlook -- once robust but now rather worn down with a distinctly ragtag quality to it -- reminds me of my bras. I'm wearing the lone survivor and desperately in need of reinforcements, strong and up to the job!)

My moments of excitement feel smaller these days. Bite-size rather than whole meals, if you know what I mean? Even my dreams seem to have gone AWOL these days. S asked me weeks ago what are my dreams for myself and for us. Sadly, I couldn't come up with a single thought.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow as a remembrance of all the wonderful years I've already experienced. I'm also looking forward to a new age, a new year, renewed dreams ... and maybe even some new bras!