20-year anniversary

Dragon Mood? -- dragonly reflective

Today is S and my 20-year anniversary. Can you believe it? I hardly can.

We count the beginning of our time together when she and I were still both married, had husbands and were not 'looking' to leave our marriages. Or were we? One of the metaphors or similes that I've used over these years to describe my feelings for S is simply this: connecting with her was like going from watching black-and-white TV to color television. A whole new world. And once you experience color, who wants to go back to black-and-white?

I never could have imagined my life going this way. Never. S and I come from very different backgrounds, both socio-economically and relationally. Even today, in my head, it doesn't make sense to me that we are together. But you know what? -- in matters of the heart, your head doesn't always get to be the driver. In this case, I let my heart drive and made my big, over-inflated commonsensical head get in the backseat.

I love S. I absolutely LOVE her. Why I love her sometimes is as maddening a question for me as her behavior -- maddening. I've told her in my less kind moments that she is like a burr under my saddle; you are here, you are annoying and dammit, why can't I get rid of you? But obviously, after 20 years, I have no desire nor inclination to get rid of S. Here's where my head gets all twisted up in its analysis: even though sometimes I want to push S away, in my heart I never want her to leave and I will go through all kinds of crazy-making efforts to keep her close. Ask her; she'll tell you. And now, come to think of it, she's described that very dynamic, saying that she feels pushed away and pulled close by me all the time.

I think it's called EMOTIONAL INTIMACY.

Thank God that S has got her own crazy reasons for being in this relationship because I need her, I want her and I love her.

Twenty years. Wow! It's a long time. And it's a blink of the eye. I hope that I get to have the privilege of another twenty years with S. That would truly be a gift.

Happy Anniversary, Sweetheart!