Funny excerpts

Dragon Mood? -- amused

Here are some funny excerpts from the political blog, Daily Kos. They tickled my funny bone so I thought you might find them funny too.

• An Obama surrogate unfairly savaged Hillary Clinton and resigned after apologizing profusely. A Clinton surrogate unfairly savaged Barack Obama and resigned only after vowing to unleash a plague of locusts and Gonorrhea---and gonorrhea-infested locusts---across the United States, while personally supervising the onslaught from her lair. A McCain surrogate had a mild case of constipation which he resolved with All-Bran.


• The traditional media kept shouting at me that it's all Howard Dean's fault that a small group of idiots in Florida and Michigan screwed primary voters by breaking party rules, that Howard Dean should pay for do-overs with his own MasterCard, and that Howard Dean single-handedly caused global warming and AIDS in Africa. I won't believe it until Wikipedia confirms it.


• A phone rang in the White House at 3am. Bush handed it to Laura and told her to take a message.


• Condi Rice fucked up peace talks in the Middle East. Again.


• Ninety six percent of the world's seas became either overfished or polluted. Dolphins began plotting with sea horses to eradicate the human parasites once and for all.


• Iran's president was greeted with sweets and flowers in Iraq.



• Southwest Airlines and managers in the FAA were busted for blowing off safety inspections of their aircraft. (Naturally, no one has actually been fired yet even though 44 planes have since been grounded). Whistleblowers said their first clue was when the airline purchased a hundred thousand rolls of duct tape.



• George W. Bush sang a song containing jokey lyrics about Katrina, Scooter Libby and Iraq at the Gridiron Club dinner. The D.C. press corps found it so funny that cocktail weenies shot out their noses.



• Doctors admitted that all those colonoscopies they've given people over the years have been worthless because they didn't know about the "flat" lesions that actually cause colon cancer. Congress unanimously approved a measure forcing those doctors to drink a quart of that pre-colonoscopy goopshit every day for a year as punishment.



• The price of oil rose to the point where it's now sold exclusively through the Hammacher-Schlemmer catalog.



• Bush vetoed a bill outlawing torture in America, paving the way for Dick Cheney to keep making public statements through the end of his term.


• China announced that it now has enough long-range, nuclear-powered hovercraft to transport its entire one-billion-man army across the Pacific Ocean. In response, the Pentagon immediately requested another trillion dollars for the war in Iraq.


• Cracker Jack announced that the new "toy surprise" they're putting in each box is a home mortgage certificate.


• New York governor Eliot Spitzer resigned for spending up to $5,500 an hour ($92 per minute!) screwing hookers with gold-plated vaginas and diamond-encrusted nipples. Republican Senator David Vitter was taken to the hospital with a life-threatening bout of convulsive laughter.


• One in four teenage girls developed a sexually-transmitted disease. Gay guys issued a brief statement: "Don’t look at us!"


• And Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island was busted when cops found pot in her ride.